Snow!

We're having our first snow of the year today. Walking around the city, you can just feel the extra spring in everyone's step. 

I love the familiar quiet that comes with snow. Landing so effortlessly and beautifully. Its presence is felt. There is no need to make a big production about it. 

Getting philosophical here -- there's something profound about that. 

So much of our time is spent making sure we're heard and seen by others. Shouting, waving arms, jumping up and down. Maybe we have it all wrong. 

What about instead if, like the snow, we knew our presence would be felt without saying a word. We would be acknowledged and appreciated for what we bring. What if we could change how people see what's around them, just by us being here.

What if all of that is already true and we just need to recognize that it's happening?

Gift Idea - Kick Start for 2009

You have been good this year. Here's a holiday/recession-special just for you.

After the gluttony of the holidays, many of us think about taking better care of ourselves inside and out. A coach, like a personal trainer, is a great way to get motivated to make the changes you want for yourself. 

Who doesn't need that?

During this one-time phone session, you'll have the chance to get organized, set resolutions and create a strategy for making them happen. All of this with an expert coach to listen, support and challenge you to go for it.

What: Kick Start for 2009

Who:   You, or a friend

When: Between now and January 31, 2009

Cost:  $10 for one 45-minute phone call

Contact me to schedule your session. There is no obligation to continue coaching after our call - unless you want to!

Odds & Ends

Just returned from a week away in the sunshine on Cabarete beach in the Dominican Republic. Good food, welcoming people, and inspired landscapes for photography.

While away I appeared in a blog post by Charles Orlando, author of The Problem With Women...is Men." In it, he talks about whether it's possible for men and women to have platonic relationships. Here is my quote:

"This subject is of interest to me personally, as I navigate being married and wanting close male friends. Currently I have a couple close male friends and get a lot out of the interaction. With any friend there is the opportunity to establish an emotional bond, to become emotionally involved you could say. With opposite-sex friends (plus you and possibly their partners) boundaries are vital. The male-female dynamic provides an opportunity for attraction, the added layer that can derail the connection felt into something much deeper that can put pressure on a marriage/committed relationship. If there are problems already, there is a risk of this friendship filling in the blanks or overriding it.

The truth: You can’t get everything from one relationship. Your partner can be great, and you can also appreciate what other friends (male and female) bring to your life. If bonds, regardless of gender, are established from this place they can be healthy and rewarding. I would say that this speaks to how many of my male friendships have formed. Though I have sensed some attraction at times, the value of the friendship far outweighs the what-could-be feeling."

I have blogged and twittered about this topic too. It's weighty. I think many of us see the value of opposite sex friends, but are also challenged how to do it without hurt feelings or misunderstandings for anyone involved.

I'd love to hear what you think. Is it possible? How are you able to keep opposite-sex friends and be in a relationship?

The Mom Effect: How Our Mothers Shaped Us As Women

One of the topics that I love is how our beliefs are shaped. 

Most of us, myself included, have rules we live by that aren't necessarily our own. Or rather not originally. At some point we acquired them and have since come to believe that they are true.

I'm making no judgement here whether these beliefs are neutral, good or bad. It can be something simple like socks always get tied in a knot before going into the drawer. (My husband is a one-sock-fits-into-the-other person.) It can be much more complex than that too.

More specifically I'm fascinated by the role our mothers, or mother-figures, have played in shaping us as women. Sure my husband's sock conviction is from his mom, but you learn a lot of gender-specific information from the biggest same-sex presence in your life. 

Things like:

• Sexuality and sensuality - what is sexy? 
  
• Relationships, from choosing your partner to how you argue 
  
• The importance of female friendships, including how you make them and keep them
  
• Being a 'good mom' - does it mean being selfless?
  

Mom is not the only one who has shaped your beliefs about these things. She probably was one of the first though. My point is that we carry around these ideas sometimes without thinking about whether they are helpful. 

I often work with my life coaching clients on making the right decisions for them (as opposed to what everyone else thinks they should do). The motherhood question is one of those. 

When it's difficult for you to make a decision, it can be because several of your values are in conflict with one another. It helps to figure out what ones you truly value and which ones you've been carrying around because that's the only way you thought it could be. Mom, Dad, teachers or past events tend to be the culprit for their shelf life. 

Back to our mothers and mother-figures. I would love to hear from other women about how your woman-ness was shaped by your mom. I'd call it femininity but it seems much broader than that (and a less-fun word :)). 

In conversation recently with women in their 30's, we shared that cultivating self-esteem is something many of us had to figure out on our own. That moms of previous generations, with notable exceptions, went from adolescence to motherhood without really figuring themselves out so they didn't know how to help their daughters. Going to college, having careers, marrying later - not to mention women's lib - allowed us time to learn more about ourselves. In turn, some of us are role models for our moms in this regard.  

How did your mother help you navigate being a woman? How did her beliefs hinder you? What other ways do you think mothers affect their adult daughters?

Please comment here with your thoughts, or contact me directly. I look forward to hearing from you!

Observation as Art

Last night I began a six-week class with Danny Gregory, an artist who has developed a following for his illustrated journals. 

Rather than journaling about thoughts and feelings, he encourages people to remove preconceived assumptions about the objects around us. To sit still long enough to observe what's really going on: at the breakfast table, in your medicine cabinet, even with your favorite pair of shoes. (Last night we started by drawing our hands.)

A topic close to my heart - and what brought me to my first life coach - was how to be creative in my daily life. I loved traveling to Italy to an art workshop in the mountains and taking classes like this one that introduce new ideas. The real challenge is bringing the lessons and energy I get from these experiences into the day-to-day. 

I still have to clean the bathroom and pay bills, but that doesn't mean I have to be stuck in the mundane. It also doesn't have to be mundane. Could there be a way to enjoy chores? If there is, I'm definitely interested.

Gregory's premise is that illustrated journals can easily fit into your life. As children, we drew all the time so the muscle was fully developed. Picking up a pen and conquering a blank sheet of paper may not feel natural to start, but it will come back. Observing and recording the objects around us can take anywhere from 2 minutes to an hour, and can be scribbled on the edge of a piece of paper in a ballpoint pen. Creating this way means the work doesn't have to be perfect. It can happen anywhere. And most important - it makes all of us artists.

Sure after a while you may get bold, like he has, and incorporate watercolor and produce your own books. In the meantime, enjoy it for what it is:  quiet time for observation.

Women, Put Yourself First

I ran across this article today in the Miami Herald called "Women, stop putting others first." The author is a coach, like me, and also like me we've come across clients who have trouble putting themselves first. Because of guilt, responsibility, getting self-worth out of being needed. You name it.

Often this can stand in the way of someone signing up for life coaching. She (primarily) can see the value but doesn't think she has time to fit coaching into her schedule. Among the reasons - not seeing how giving yourself an hour a week can help you stay more focused the rest of the time. It's the same concept for why it's a good idea to take vacation from work. To recharge so you can come back ready to tackle the next assignment. (Although as a society we're not good at that either.)

So back to the reasons why you don't have time for something you know has value. This author, and I have to agree with her, says it's about priorities. If you are always at the bottom of the list, you will stay there. That's too bad, because I think you're pretty great and deserve better.

In her article, the author plays bad cop for a bit -- pushing her readers to see that they are the ones standing in their own way. She does so by asking leading questions assuming that she knows your answer already and it's not good. 

It's a useful technique to kick your butt. I prefer a different approach, though. Helping you to see that you are worth it. Everyone else is important and so are you. Consider:

• For you to be at your best, what do you need?
• How can you begin to give yourself this right now? What's an easy first step?
• How can other people, including me, support you in getting what you need?

If these questions intrigue you at all, I hope you'll contact me about a free coaching session over the phone. It's a great way to see if coaching is right for you, and to re-prioritize in a constructive, goal-oriented, and soulful way.

A Dating Guide for Marrieds

Or: how to have opposite-sex friends and be in a committed relationship. 

I came to this topic, frankly, because I'm married and I enjoy having male friends. With them, I get to see new perspectives, laugh at gender differences and (sometimes) innocently flirt. Some of my favorite friends are male so I couldn't imagine having to pick between being married, which I also enjoy, and any of them.

This is easier said than done though. It is a gray area and a fairly new topic given just a couple generations ago (and in some cultures right now) it was unheard of for men and women to converse outside of a family. Now work-wives and work-husbands in the office are commonplace.

Thankfully, we have the option to be friends with anyone we want. Although these relationships can still pose problems for the people involved, from hurt feelings and jealousy to cheating and breakup. There is a danger of the emotional bond as friends turning into an emotional dependency or emotional involvement as much more.

In the past week I posed this question on Facebook and Twitter. The answers were varied and fascinating. If you're reading this and have something to say, I encourage you to weigh in!

What makes this topic so ripe for discussion is that there are no easy answers. Much of this depends on you, your partner, your friend (and his/her partner). 

Want opposite-sex friends and a healthy, committed relationship? Things to consider:

• Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries - this means more than what you consider appropriate (long phone calls, or a night out with just your friend). It also includes the boundaries of everyone else involved. If your partner is uncomfortable, you two need to face it. Your friend has nothing to do with that. The reverse is true with your friend and his/her partner too.

• Trust - duh. No relationship is going to work without it. Of most importance again is the trust between you and your partner. You two have to believe that your relationship is sacred, and to appreciate why having other friends can add to that. No one person can be everything to someone else. We need the support and friendship of other people to be fulfilled.

• Honesty - this seems obvious too, but is usually the first thing to go. If you think your partner might not like you hanging out with this friend, you are faced with two options. Secrecy, or, as Joselin Linder, co-author of The Good Girl's Guide to Living in Sin, put it, "Bring your partner into the friendship first." Let them see what's so great about your friend, and that there is nothing to worry about. 

This topic prompted great conversation with my husband about each of our opposite-sex friendships. I hope it does for you too. Please jump in with any anecdotes or what you see as the positives of opposite-sex friendships.

Highly Sensitive People Unite!

I was just featured in a column in Positive Health by Handan Satiroglu about Highly Sensitive People (HSP). A few years ago I learned this term meant people who are sensitive to extremes of light and sound, and I finally understood that I wasn't alone in this feeling.

The term was coined by Dr Elaine Aron in her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. In it, she provides questions to help determine if you are a HSP - from whether you were called introverted or shy as a child, to if you need to withdraw after a busy day to a quiet, dark place to refuel. I remember being surprised that other people actually avoided scary movies and overwhelming situations. I thought it was just me!

I fully realize that this group is in the minority and living in a major city I can't do a lot about street noise. However, knowing what I require to perform at my best helps me make better decisions. Avoiding back-to-back parties, choosing muted colors for my bedroom or even turning off the bing! sound my computer makes when I receive a new email or IM. To me, this little things make a huge difference.

In fact, I think this sensitivity gives me a unique perspective on life. Why else would my photos tend toward the tiny, rarely seen moments that happen in the natural world. Tree bark, the veins on a leaf. I think my sensitivity to subtle changes helps make me a good coach, a good friend and a good neighbor.

Taking it one step further....having highly sensitive people in the world ensures balance. People who are go-getters and stage stealers, and people who see what's really happening below the surface.